If you are related to me, you should stop reading this post right here. Seriously…I am telling you to skip this one. It will be weird.
My sex life has never been about me. It has always been about making sure the guy is enjoying himself. On one hand, it genuinely turns me on to see his eyes roll back and steam shoot out of his ears. On the heavier hand, it feels like I’ve given up my own pleasure for the sake of this other individual.
I realized this week how not only am I doing myself a disservice, but I am putting myself at risk for someone taking advantage of me, all because of my fear of saying no. This fear of the word “no” isn’t limited to a purely sexual context, I am also terrible at saying no to my friends, or when someone asks me to do something.
- “Hey, can you help me plan this baby shower, and move boxes into my new apartment?”
- “Of course! I love babies and boxes!
- I hate babies. Bring the boxes to the party and ship the baby. That’s what happened to Moses and look how great he turned out.
- “Hey, can you design a logo for me? I have no money to give you, but can pay you in love and coupons to Whole Foods!!”
- “Love AND Coupons to Whole Foods?! That’s better than money!”
- I’m lonely and perpetually hungry.
This inability to say no has gotten me in trouble. Mostly because people have gotten so used to using asking me to do things, that when I say “no”, they take personal offense. But for now:
“Let’s talk about sex, baby.” – Salt-N-Pepa
I have been learning to embrace my sexuality since meeting a boy in Zagreb. Let’s call him Marko, because every other boy, and every third dog, in Croatia, is named Marko. His unbelievable openness to sex and sexuality truly did inspire me. I have always been a serial monogamist, and only ever thought of myself as being capable of monogamy. Although I am not an inherently jealous person, polyamory and open relationships never felt right for me, because my mind always told me sex=love, but I am in fact learning that is not the case. When you’re in love, you don’t magically stop lusting after other individuals do you?
Marko told me how settling down might make sense when we’re older, but for now, we are young, hot, and horny, so why limit ourselves to one sexual partner? As long the sex is always safe, I am learning, that being open-minded with sex can be incredibly healthy.
This week I have been staying in my former home, Prague. It’s such an incredible feeling after months and months of perpetual newness to have some familiarity. I stayed in a hostel and things took a turn for the skanky. I met a boy, and by “met a boy” I mean he sent me a photo of his dick, and since neither of us had a place to meet up, we opted for the hostel shower (thank you for a lovely stay by the way).
We were making out in the shower, things got…steamy. Soon our clothes were off and we both got into it. Then he started to get a bit forceful. I really like rough sex, but ONLY when I am comfortable with the person. He grabbed my ass and shoved two fingers in my hole. He didn’t knock at the door asking if he could come in and before I knew it I had some uninvited guests that barged in my backdoor. All I could say was:
- “I’m…uhm, I’m a top”
Like I mentioned before, I am really quite bad at saying “no” straight out. So I meander and tip toe around what I actually want to say.
What I should have said was:
- “Get your fucking fingers out of my ass.”
Since I wasn’t direct his responses were…unsettling.
- “You might like it. Turn around.”
- “No really, I prefer to top”
- “Maybe you haven’t found the right cock”
- “It’s not what I like”
- “Well give it a try”
- At this point, he tried to physically turn me around
- “Dude, stop. Seriously, I am only a top.”
- Please? What the fuck? Oh since you asked so nicely here let me grab my ankles. His please was long and drawn out, like a toddler whining because his mother denied him a new toy. Like I was denying something that was owed to him.
I felt powerless because my sense of worth has always come from gratifying the other individual. Because of that, I felt unable to say, “Fuck you, you piece of shit, get the fuck away from me.” And after the fact, I realized how not okay that is, and if I wasn’t a 6’4” man, things could have been a lot different.
Selfishness gets a bad rap. If someone says you’re selfish, they are usually calling you self-centered, or are saying you are unable to think of others before yourself. But when it comes to sex, being selfish is probably the safest and healthiest course of action.
Here’s the secret to being selfish: by taking better care of yourself and your needs, you are much better at serving the needs of others you care about. ALSO, by being selfish in bed, all of the follow-up insecurities that plague so many people become less important.
- Will he call me?
- Was it too fast?
- Was it good for him?
- Did my breath smell?
- Did he notice my wooden leg?
- I’ve been eating a lot of garlic recently, what did my cum taste like?
The toxicity of these questions was something that I dealt with constantly. Well…when sex happened, which wasn’t too often for me.
I am still learning to be a bit more selfish when it comes to sex, but after a few casual hookups, instead of the usual shame that I was used to feeling, new emotions and rationale began to surface:
- “That was fun, we should do it again sometime, but, if not then no worries. I’m going to go have some breakfast, when do you have to pick up your wife from the airport?”
Okay, that last bit is not true. I’m not a homewrecker…anymore.
Healthy selfishness is self-focused, not self-involved or self-obsessed. You want to have a high sense of self and go get yours heeennnyyy.
How to stay safe having casual sex:
- Have “the talk” with whomever you are going to be intimate with beforehand, yes, even with your Grindr hookup. Tell them what is okay for them to do, not okay, maybe even share your kinks, and ask them the same.
- Make sure you are compatible and that he is not going to try and stick fingers in your ass when you don’t want them in there. Especially first thing in the morning, like why are you tryin’ to climb Mt. Ve-poo-vius, this shit is not dormant. I warned you in the beginning of this post, didn’t I? Don’t get me wrong, I love to bottom, but the best thing for my mental and sexual well-being, right now, is to only bottom with someone I feel a mutual emotional connection with.
- Know where you are safe.
- Hook up in a place that makes you comfortable. For me, I knew that my admittedly skanky behavior of hooking up in the hostel shower was safe, because I knew that if need be I could call for help (I’m not going to be a target for sexual assault because of my 6’4” stature, but I still felt more comfortable doing it there.)
- Invite them back to your place and tell a friend what is going on. Don’t be ashamed that you’re going to go get it in, and if your friends give you a hard time for it, get better friends. Be safe, tell someone.
- Hide your wallet / phone / any other valuable possessions. This has happened too many times to friends of mine, they will have a random hookup and then realize the money (or ID / passport) was taken out of their wallet.
- Ask them if they have been tested for STI’s recently. I prefer to do this over text so you can be absolutely clear with them. If they give you a vague answer, steer clear.
- Do your research. Check out the American Sexual Health Association for answers to almost any question you could have regarding STI’s. Here is some quick advice though:
- No sex is 100% safe, but all those articles saying “only have sex with one partner”, or “have fewer sex partners” is not at all helping the situation. People are going to fuck, and using language like this is like the diet version of slut shaming. It’s still there it just sounds smarter.
- With that being said, know how to protect yourself. Have a few different sizes of condoms on hand, because if the condom breaks or slips off, the effectiveness drops significantly (as would be expected)
- If you identify as homosexual or have gay sex, look into Pre-exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP) also known as Truvada. It’s a daily pill that you take that decreases the likelihood of the transmission of HIV by 90% or more.
- Don’t anal douche too much. You can strip the wall lining of the colon of its natural defenses making STI’s much easier to contract. Stay clean, but don’t overdo it, Mary.
- Get tested regularly. Know your status. Get tested four times a year, and anytime after you have a riskier encounter. Seriously, know your status. I know it’s “scary” getting tested, but that is not an excuse.
- Watch your drink, and don’t take drugs from someone in the club. If drugs are your jam then get them from your trusted neighborhood drug dealer.
- Know what not to mix. Alcohol + Benzodiazepines = no recollection of the previous night.
- I’m a former addict, I know people are going to use. If they are, then my only hope is they are smart about it. Know what you’re taking and how it affects you.
If things take a turn…
- Preventing sexual assault is a lot easier than stopping it in the middle. If you are going to go hook up with someone you met online. Have them meet you in a crowded part of town and then walk back to your place or his. You’ll be able to tell pretty quickly how comfortable you are with the person.
- Trust your gut. If something seems off, it probably is. If you’re still around others, ask for help.
- If you feel like a guy is aggressive, not dangerous, but you still want to get out of the hookup…cum (if you can). One luxury for a man is that usually once he cums, it’s game over. So if you cum, they will know the party is over. It’s how I got out of my recent hookup.
- If you’re alone and things get sketchy. Get loud. If he still doesn’t back down after shouting use self-defense. Also carrying mace and knowing how to use it can add extra peace of mind.
Now go out and have some empowering sex #slutandproud.
Much love & many adventures,